


I Place My Faith in You

by herstorystartedhere



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-19
Updated: 2015-02-26
Packaged: 2018-03-13 17:39:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3390374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herstorystartedhere/pseuds/herstorystartedhere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fitz's recovery from the events of the medical pod incident has been long and difficult... But what has Simmons been dealing with after Hydra?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! This is my first multi chapter fic of the year, and I really hope you guys enjoy it:) I have it mapped out event-wise, but feel free to comment or message me with requests or ideas about what you would like to see in future chapters! All of the chapter titles will be from the children's evening prayer that I remember saying to ward of nightmares, as Simmons is... well, you'll see. Happy scrolling!

> “Yeah, I’ve done the math”. The look on his face sent blood rushing out of her face. “You’re taking it, end of story”. She looked at him. He was almost serene, his features a mask of deadly calm. Calm. “I couldn’t live if you didn’t”.
> 
>                 “I feel the same way!” she heard herself cry, “There has to be another way! Why would you make me do this, you’re my best friend in the world!”
> 
>                 Fitz took a shaky breath. “Yeah and you're more than that, Jemma.” She felt her lungs lose all their air. Her stomach, once full of butterflies, dropped. He looked down. “I couldn’t find the courage to tell you. So please, let me show you—” She could only hear herself screaming as he took one last breath of the world he loved, all because of her...

* * *

 

                “No! No, no, no, Fitz you can’t leave me!” she screamed, waking up in her own bed on the base. She was safe. Fitz was alive. _He’s okay, he’s okay, he’s okay_ , she chanted internally, rocking herself back and forth. _Fitz is okay. You are okay_. Simmons took a few shaky breaths. This was too hard. It was all too much! Whenever she closed her eyes, the nightmares would wind themselves into her dreams, twisting just enough so she wouldn’t know that it was coming. A word here, a kiss on the cheek there. Even seeing his blue eyes could send her swirling into the hallucinations. She was on constant alert.

                During the day, it was hardly an issue. When she was hanging out with Trip or Skye, she could even forget. There were reminders all around her that meant it was in the past. Fitz was breathing right in front of her. Her hair was shorter. Tangible, real facts. But at night, her thoughts just kept going back. Her mind needed to sort out the pod scene...

                Simmons walked to the kitchen for a cup of chamomile. It was nearly 4, so she knew that May and Skye would be having their Tai Chi session soon. Other people were good. Comforting. Skye had offered to let Simmons join in, but she politely refused. “I’m hardly flexible enough,” Simmons had said, “and you need that time to connect with your supervising officer, the cavalry.” Skye shook her head at that. Skye didn't even know about the scientist's, um, slight dysfunction. There wasn't really a reason to tell, and Simmons herself had more than enough scientific and medical expertise to handle her problem.

                She sat herself down at the table and watched the window panels change from night to sunrise and finally to day. She jumped at the feel of Skye ruffling her hair. “Sorry,” the ex-hacker apologized, “your hair is just so cute. I swear, you look good with anything. You could make a bowl cut look good”. She thought about her statement for a moment, “Please tell me you never had one, I was kidding!” Simmons laughed along.

                “No harm, Skye, you've taken to your bangs well I see.”  She stretched. “I think I may as well get ready for the day, however.” With that, Simmons started to her room.

                “Simmons,” Skye called, “you sure you’re okay?” The scientist froze.

                “Of course, Skye, I’m as right as rain. No need to worry yourself, I think I just need to get to bed earlier!” She tried to keep her pace leisurely as she scurried back to her room and shut the door. Was it that obvious? Instead of dwelling, she decided to take a long shower and put all her energy towards getting ready.

                One hour of steaming, drying, color coordinating, and tidying up her room, Simmons was prepared to face yet another day in the base. The bonus of having a land-base was the space: she now had room for a queen bed, two night tables, a closet, _and_ a chest of drawers. Talk about an upgrade! Now she didn't have to press her shirts before she wore them! As she looked at Fitz from across the lab later that day, it seemed that he made use of his closet space as well. He didn't wear ties anymore, but his plaid shirts were hardly wrinkled, a thing he was obsessive about on the Bus. Academy Fitz could have cared less, but a few too many back handed compliments at Sci-Ops was more than enough to start a new habit. He smiled. His lab counter was absolute pandemonium, with blueprints, tablets, pens, parts, and tools thrown haphazardly.

                “Dr. Simmons?” one of the trainees from the academy asked. “You okay?”

                “Of course, I’m... like normal. Why do you ask?”

                The student faltered. “I mean this in the kindest way possible... but you sort of look like someone’s coming at you with a two by four. Or a chainsaw.”

                Simmons rubbed her temples. “Vivid description, Angela, but I can assure you that I am perfectly fine right now. Nothing’s changed a bit.” Looking back towards her best friend, though, made her wonder just how wrong that statement was.


	2. I Pray the Lord My Soul to Keep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simmons has yet another nightmare... but this time she doesn't wake up alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter two is up, hooray! I hope you enjoy it, I had a lot of fun writing Fitzsimmons again, and I haven't done a lot of post midseasontwo finale lately... Happy scrolling:)

 

> Fitzsimmons were in their lab as usual. They were supposed to be working on the new night-night gun modifications. Fitz decided to start cleaning up the lab cabinets and found a laser pointer, however, so an epic mini-game of laser tag had broken out. Both scientists had quickly turned either side of the lab into a barricade, and their laser pointers were shooting all around the room. Simmons had set up some of the mirrors they kept in storage to deflect the laser away; Fitz, however, was able to hit the mirrors at such an angle that Simmons ended up getting hit afterall. All of a sudden, after one particularly elaborate reflection hit, Fitz got a sad look on his face and stepped back out of the lab. “Fitz, is something wrong?” she asked.
> 
> Fitz’s face morphed into the pitying mask of Coulson’s on that dreadful day: “I’m so sorry Jemma,” he said, closing the quarantine doors. A clatter of metal fell behind Simmons and her brain started going into hyper-drive. _Oh no, not again..._ The next thing Simmons knew, she was jumping out of an airplane, feeling the wind whip around her.

* * *

 

She felt herself being shaken awake. “Jemma, Jemma are you okay? Wake up!” Her hand connected with someone’s face as she jolted out of her nightmare, and they screamed. It was Fitz, and they were in the bunker lab. She jumped out of her chair and ran to him.

“Fitz! I’m sorry, I didn't know anyone was around me and I was asleep and, oh god, is your face alright?”

He winced, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m fine, Simmons. You were thrashing around so much I was worried that you’d— you’d hurt yourself or something. A lab isn't the safest place to sleep, much less to have a nightmare—“

“I wasn't... I was... I’m fine,” she managed to stay. She was still shaking. Fitz led her to the couch in the rec room and made her some tea. “Fitz, this really isn't necessary...”

“It is,” he interrupted, “You helped me in the beginning and now I’m helping you.” He handed her a cup, already with cream and sugar in it, which she accepted.

“But I left, Fitz!" Her voice echoed through the  empty base and she lowered her volume. "I left you and went on a mission without telling you! I lied to you and left you on your own!” She was crying now, the tears streaming down her face and onto his shirt. He held her in a hug before he responded.

“Simmons, you didn't leave me because you wanted to." He set both cups down and stroked her hair. "You didn't abandon me for yourself. You _had_ to leave. I was becoming dependent on you, I wasn't getting better." Sobs shook her entire frame. "You did what you had to Jemma, I get it now.” He smothered the shaking and she snuggled into him.

“It still wasn't fair of me,” she muttered. "I still left you all alone." He sat up and looked her dead in the eye.

“You seem to be forgetting that you went through a traumatic experience too,” he said. “You also were stuck at the bottom of the bloody ocean with no hope and were in a hyperbaric chamber afterwords. Yeah, I know you weren't in the best shape either," he added. "You might not have... physical repercussions, but you are different now too.” She studied his blue eyes. They looked exactly as they did when she met him, exactly as they were that dreadful day underwater. It was almost if nothing had changed. But things _had_ changed, and Fitz was who he was now, and things weren't the same between them. And here Fitz was, trying to help her when two months ago he could barely help himself. And they were together drinking their tea and sharing a couch as if they were back at Sci-Ops. She kissed his cheek, and he froze.

“Jemma?”

She immediately regretted it. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Fitz. I know your feelings for me, and I just got wrapped up in the moment. I know that isn’t fair, but...”

“Jemma,” he interjected, “could you just tell me one thing?" She stopped and sat absolutely still. Fitz took an audibly deep breath. "I promise if you say no I’ll drop it and leave you alone. But—I have to know. Do you feel the same way?”

Simmons sighed. “Fitz, I’m going to say exactly what I think. I don’t know. I hadn't even thought about it until you were willing to give up your life for me down in the pod. And after that, it was such a blur with getting you better and I didn't know if you’d even remember and then I was undercover and... I need to fix my problem and take it one day at a time before I commit to something like that. I’m sorry, Fitz, but it wouldn’t be fair to give a rash answer in my state of mind right now.” He nodded slowly, and gave a quick kiss to her hairline.

“That’s fine, Jem, I understand. We need to get you better first. Which is something I can help with.” He looked her squarely in the eye and put his hands on both of her shoulders. “What happened back there in the lab?”

A shiver went up her spine. “Fitz, I—It was just a nightmare. I was just remembering that day with the alien virus and... well, I clearly don’t have the rational capacity to think clearly.”

“Simmons, you were screaming . I couldn’t get you to wake up. I was about to call for help—”

“I can’t help how I sleep! I have nightmares every night, Fitz. Every night. I’ve gotten used to it.”

Fitz’s eyes widened. “Jemma, this has happened before?  Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

“I just... I didn’t want to worry anyone. We’ve all had a rough few weeks, between Skye’s powers and Trip and Ward on the run... I didn't need to bother anyone else. I am a scientist, I can take care of this.”

He didn’t respond for a second, but she could see his mind trying to go as fast as it used to. “Jemma, you _haven’t_ been taking care of yourself.” He hugged her tight to his chest. “Tell me what’s wrong. What are you dreaming of?”

She sighed. “My mind is probably just processing all that’s happened since we joined Coulson’s team. Its been just fast moving images, from the pod, and the bus, and... you. I always lose you. I keep reliving every time something happens to you or me. I can’t live without you, Fitz. I really can’t. And we haven’t been speaking the past few weeks. And I know you still aren’t where you’d like to be in terms of getting better. I’m sorry I couldn’t help you. I’ve screwed this all up.”

He stiffened. “I’m sorry Jemma. You did _not_ screw this up. Don’t put this all on yourself. I may not be better yet, but I—I could have helped you too. I wasn't the only one down there. You need time to heal as much as I do before you can help others.”

“What can I even do at this point? It’s been weeks, Fitz. Months.” She reached for her tea, which was cold by then.

“We’re going to do what we should have done.earlier. We are going to fix this. Together.”


	3. If I Should Die Before I Wake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FitzSimmons are still connecting... but the nightmares are getting really out of hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 is here! This is pretty much highly concentrated angst and fluff;) As always, happy scrolling!

The dream started with Fitzsimmons together. They were having a picnic over on the grass hill next to the Sci-Tech Academy, like they used to during the really warm days. The tradition had started when Simmons’ mother mentioned how pale she was during spring break, and Simmons explained it was because they hardly had time to go outside. Fitz of course mentioned how they _could_ go outside, which meant that it became expected of them to eat outside. Simmons’ mother had no way of knowing of course, but when she demanded something, it was done. Today’s lunch was prosciutto and buffalo mozzarella with pesto aioli, freshly made. He, as usual, claimed that it was the best sandwich that he had ever , which made her smile. He was in love with that sandwich more than science; an impressive feat. When they were done eating, Fitz stood up and pulled her after him. “C’mon, Simmons, I have to show you something.”

They walk over to the med building and enter in through what appeared to be a storage closet. The space was quite small, especially in comparison to the rest of the Academy. “Ah, here it is,” he commented, holding up a rigged mask. “I've rigged this to let out a burst of very high pressure...”

And suddenly they were in the med pod underwater again. This time Simmons _knew_ it had happened before and she _knew_ what happened. “Fitz, NO! I’m not leaving you!” she screamed, thrusting the oxygen away from her. “I can’t! I won’t!” The images flashed by: Fitz’s blue eyes, the water rushing in, the excruciating glare of the sun, Director Fury. Fitz’s eyes—

* * *

 

She woke up to Skye’s concerned face. “Simmons, calm down, are you okay?” Simmons shook her head slowly. It was just a dream. She got up while Skye continued freaking out. “You almost gave me a heart attack! Why were you screaming? Do you need tea or something? Ohmygod sorry I’m talking pretty fast, but I just heard you scream and I kind of broke your door coming in and... what?”

Simmons rubbed her face. “I’m okay now, Skye. Honest. I need to talk to Fitz though.” Skye took half of a step back. “Skye, where’s Fitz? He was here when I fell asleep, he shouldn't be far off.” She stood up and grabbed a robe. It was pretty chilly on the base.

The hacker put her hand to her mouth slowly and walked out of the room. Slipping into some slippers, Simmons followed her, presumably where Fitz was. Once they reached the lab, she“Fitz?” she called. She saw him, sitting at his desk, staring at a computer screen. “Fitz,” Simmons said again, “Can I talk to you for a moment? Its about our earlier conversation.” He didn't move. She felt a hand on her shoulder, and turned around to see Skye staring open-mouthed at her. “Skye, could you give Fitz and I a moment? We’re working on a... classified case.” Skye’s eyes watered.

“Jemma,” she started, “You sure you’re okay?”

“Of course. Once we finish our work on the case I’ll meet you downstairs.” Simmons gave a pointed look to Fitz. “Can we start now, Fitz?” Skye’s face went even paler.

“Jemma," she said slowly, "Fitz isn't here. He—He died that day, down in the pod. Do you remember?”

Simmons sputtered. “But he’s right here!” Fitz turned to look at her, his eyes wide.

Skye wrapped her arms around Simmons and started dragging her out of the lab. “Skye, stop! Fitz is right there, what are you doing?!” Skye started crying and dragging her with more force. “Skye, stop!” Fitz stood up, a look of fear on his face. He ran up to the glass door, now closed, and started shaking it. He couldn't get it open, but that didn't stop him from trying to rip the bloody hinges off in the process of trying. He was screaming, desperate, and so was she. "Skye, let me go! He needs me!"

“I’m so sorry Jemma,” she whispered, locking her in a hyperbaric chamber. Fitz’s face flashed before her, his eyes sad, and then she heard Fury's words.

"He gave up his life for you, Simmons. He died a hero." The man's sunglasses never looked so empty.

 

* * *

 

She started awake. She was breathing really heavily in short bursts. The arms wrapped around her were Fitz’s, and she twisted around to bury her face in his chest. He soothed her, tracing circles with his good hand on her back. “You’re okay, Jemma. You’re safe.”

“It wasn't me who was hurt,” she sobbed, burrowing further into his flannel. “It was—it was you. I can’t lose you, Fitz, I can’t. The way you were... I thought you were there and you weren't and it was the med pod and the chitari virus and Director Fury’s boat all over again, at the same time. Why is this happening to me?!” Fitz smoothed her hair and continued tracing circles.

“I don’t know, Simmons. We went through some rough weeks. It’s all over now. We are safe.” She settled down into him, and it almost felt like the golden days. Or at least the days  _before_ this mess.

They stayed lying in her bed for a few minutes until her heart rate went down. “Fitz,” she asked slowly, “why are you in here anyways? Why aren't you having trouble sleeping?”

He cleared his throat. “I was, ah, checking on you. You said this happens every night, so I've been coming in every few hours or so..." He stopped, but Simmons gestured for him to keep going. "I couldn't wake you up when you started screaming, so I just kind of laid down next to you so you would be okay when you woke up.” He studied her face. “I don’t sleep much anymore.”

Simmons felt a blush creeping into her cheeks.“Oh Fitz...Why didn't you tell me about your insomnia, I was part of your bloody med team!”

“I’m fine,” he said, brushing it off. “Better off than you anyway. In the sleeping category at least; though your hands probably are steadier with a scalpel.”

She brushed her hair out of her eyes. “Thank you,” she replied. “Thank you for staying with me.” Fitz’s smile made her feel 20x better. “After that—that nightmare, it really helped just to see you. Losing you is something I’ll never be able to come to terms with. You mean a lot to me, Fitz.”

Simmons heard him suck in a breath. _Shoot_ , she thought.“And I’m still thinking about us, I really am. I just need to sort out my—”

He interrupted her. “I know Simmons, it’s okay. I haven’t changed my opinions, and I don’t think I ever will. I will always be here for you.” She hugged him.

“Thank you.” Stretching, she sat up. “What time is it?”

“‘Bout 5:50.”

“Well,” she yawned, “I’m getting up. You interested in getting some breakfast?”

After nodding, he stared her dead in the eye. “We are going to get you better Jem. We have to.”


End file.
